Single Life Again

It was an evening last fall. Probably late October or early November. There wasn’t anything worth viewing on TV. My girlfriend and our daughter were both asleep in the bedroom. I was mostly killing some time in front of the computer when she came online on MSN Messenger and wrote “Hello”.

She was an ex girlfriend. We had been going steady about six years earlier. After we’d broken up she’d called me a few times and acted strangely. She’d dated these strange guys and sometimes wrote to me on MSN Messenger. I thought she was childish and I usually made fun of her. My standard phrase was “how about a blowjob?”. She usually told me no. Reasons were different “I have a boy friend” or something.

This particular evening I wrote “Would you possibly consider giving me a blowjob?”. “Yeah, why not” was the reply. Not “getting much” from the current girlfriend (she had lost interest in oral sex completely), I found the answer thrilling. I didn’t think she was serious, but it was a nice change to her usually prude replies and we began chatting.

Since we’d been dating she’d met a guy. She had a bad realtionship with him for two or three years. They had two kids together. Eventually she had kicked him out and by now he’d moved out of the country.

A couple of days later I was bored at work, so I called her.  We had a rather nice talk.

Time moved on. I called her occasionally and we chatted on MSN every now and then.

One weekend my girlfriend’s best friend came to visit. Somehow they really annoyed me — they always did. I hid away in the bedroom taking a nap. I slept for an hour or two. When I woke up I noticed that they had made lunch. They had had lunch. They had had it all and there was no lunch left for me. Thanks a million.

I was upset and I needed to get away. I took a quick shower and got into my car. No real plans. I just wanted to get away from everything when I drove off. I had lunch at a Mc Donalds restaurant in this little city close to the sea. After a while I ended up calling my ex girlfriend and more or less invited myself over to her place. When I arrived her kids were asleep and we ended up sitting in her couch catching up on things.

As one thing led to another she did give me the promised blowjob. I went home and things seemed fine.

A few days later I took a day off from work, not telling my girlfriend about it. I spent about half the day visiting the ex and we ended up sleeping together. I spent the afternoon alone at home.

This was surpisingly easy. I didn’t really feel bad about it then. What my girlfriend didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, right? And I had practiced safe sex. Well, it wasn’t that safe. A lot of old feelings I didn’t even remember ever having came back. I had fallen for the ex.

There’s always a first date. Sometime during the fall of 2002 we met on the Internet. We worked for the same company back then and I had seen her. I had almost bumped into her once after we’d just begun chatting. Our eyes met and I greeted her with a smile.

The first date for us was over dinner in the city. It was late December and it was cold. It was the first time we had a conversation face to face and I guess it was love at first sight.

Things went fast from there even by my standards. I had talked girls into moving in with me before. This time it was mostly because she was being kicked out of her apartment and didn’t really have anywhere to go.

We tried safe sex. There were incidents. I’ve never really cared for condoms, but I’ve been a good boy and used them most of the time. I guess we stopped (using condoms, that is, not having sex) after noticing too late that the darn thing had fallen off and was virtually lost inside of her. It was a bit soon but sometime during the spring of 2003 we felt ready for a kid of our own.

There was a contribution to the Swedish “trials” for the Eurovision Song Contest last year that summed up that realtionship.

“We break up a little bit.
 Make up a little bit.
 Shape up a little bit.
Try some harder.
And that’s just a part of it
 It’s all for a little bit of love.”

She moved out but we still saw a lot of eachother. By the summer she was late, about a month late, and we did a home pregnancy test. She wasn’t pregnant.

We went on a trip together. She was late again and we did another test. Still not pregnant.

By now I had given up the thought of ever getting her pregnant. Maybe there was something wrong with me. There had been unprotected sexual encounters with previous girlfriends too. And no result as far as I knew. We were getting on eachothers nerves and broke up for good. Or so I thought.

I found a younger woman. I spent a week doing little but talking to her on the phone. She seemed very interesting. She was only eighteen. And when we finally met things didn’t work out. I was so depressed on my way home from the date that I called the old girlfriend.

She told me there was something we ought to talk about. She had more or less run away seeking refuge in the south of Sweden. She was pregnant! I told her to come see me as soon as she got back and talk about it face to face.

I was shocked. I had already given up the idea of producing a child with that woman. I thought it impossible.

The next few days I couldn’t focus on anything. Everything, and I do mean everything, was about babies. I read a book where the bad guys tried to kill a new born child. I watched the news and there was footage of children. I watched some movie on TV and of course there was a baby as an essential part of the plot there too.

It took me about 24 hours to make my decision; of course I wanted to keep the child.